I had the privilege the other day of working with a group of women and we were talking about what our biggest fear is to move ourselves forward both professionally and personally. It was so interesting because for many of us the fear was about ‘not being enough’. With that sense, the question becomes..

‘How can I move myself forward?”

if I don’t believe that I am enough? The issue for me with fear is often we ‘feel’ it but we don’t have a name for it. We feel fearful and we are not always sure what that is about. We need to then create a pathway towards accepting the fear, understanding the fear and working out how to action forward in order to do whatever ‘it’ is anyway that’s going to move us forward regardless of the fear.

3 Steps to deal with fear

There are 3 steps when we are dealing with fear because we are dealing with the brain and how it works.

As we look at the back of the brain, we realise that it’s the brain stem that’s on fire. The brainstem is sensing that it is unsafe to move therefore we are paralyzed with that sense of fear. In that part of the brain, we don’t actually have language, we just have the ‘sense’. Once we have created ‘safety’ that brain stem is going to calm down a little bit.

1. Acknowledging what makes me feel safe enough to explore

that feeling becomes really important. The next step, once we are feeling safe, is to validate that feeling.

2. Validation means accepting that it is true

and I have every right to feel that and it is my story. Once we accept that, we have calmed that brain down enough so that we can move it forward into the front of the brain where we have access to language and the opportunity to create conscious action to move us forward regardless of the fear. So, we calm the brain stem by creating safety, we validate the feeling or the story and then we are able to put those feelings into words, create a label and then create action to move us forward anyway.

3. Bring that feeling forward on how we feel when facing that fear

When we bring that feeling forward or we face that fear, we’re able to decide what actions to take. It allows us to feel the fear, to understand it and then to move forward. The interesting thing with that for me is that we may always feel part of that fear and that will create the adrenalin and often this encourages us to be even better because we are so aware of what we are doing. There is a difference because there are some fears that are debilitating, they do paralyze us and they need to be unpacked and this is where counselling has its real place in helping us to explore that. With the work that I do in coaching it’s about using the rear vision mirror and understanding what’s behind us and what’s behind that fear but driving ourselves forward with action towards what it is we know.

My personal example

I have a personal example. I’m not great at public speaking, I find these videos very difficult and I’m very fearful that my words will come out wrong and they will come out jumbled and people will think that I am stupid or silly! What I have learned is that I continue to have that fear no matter how exposed I have been to speaking and I know for myself and my actions are the more prepared I am the more ABLE I am to work with the fear and create action that moves me forward. So, I want you to have a think today about what is YOUR fear? Can you put a label on it? As you label it, validate your own story and say “What can I control in this situation? What things can I do differently that will enable me to put fear into its right place and move myself forward towards what it is rather than feeling paralyzed by what my fear is. For me it is creating actions that I know will calm me down, it gives me a pathway to move forward with, it gives me conscious actions to do in order to move forward. Take time for yourself to think about what your fear might be and I look forward to hearing from you if you would like to take this discussion further.